Finding My People

The thing I like the most about the new cOT clinic I'm going to through the university is the fact that every patient is a stroke survivor, so it's a very comfortable environment. It's so wonderful to be around people who know what I'm goin through and who don't stare at me and wonder. As a stroke survivor who has been open about my experiences I feel a great responsibility to other stroke survivors to give my support or a friendly smile or some words of wisdom, I feel the responsibility to lend my support to any and all stroke survivors and to raise awareness about stroke, because I really had no idea what damage stroke could cause.

Clues

Today at work my bossandI started working on a project I began months before my stroke, I was working on building a training passport for the store, The interesting about doing this I was looking at things I wrote down and worked on months ago, when my state of mind was much different, at time s it seems like I was leaving clues for myself littered across the store, which is surreal,sometimes it seems like a different person was doing all of that stuff, I feel so removed from who I was. It felt good to get back to this project becuse it requires that I use a part of my brain that I havent in awhile, the analytical, manager-y part, the part I like to use, it's so wonderful to pick up where I left off and to work on this with my boss like there's ni difference, it makes me feel that I'm not so dofferent from who I was after all. Also, I had lunch with some amazing women, my co-worker, a cancer survivor, who is probably the nicest person I've met in a long time, we understand each other, so it is nice to be with somone who has had an equally trandformative life experience and my frind, Sara and her daughters, I look up to Sara so much her kindness and easy going ness is a breath of fresh air and her daughters are freaking awesome, so smart and kind and open at this poit I've been working on piecing together my time in the ICU so I grill everyone for any information they can give me, because quite often it doesjog my memory. Also, my OT from my time in rehab, Erica, stopped by to see me, I missed her when I went back to visit, it was wonder ful to see her, she was the therapist I worked with the most and it was wonderful to see how happy shewas to see how well I am doing, it was quite reassuring to know my progress can make someone that ecstatic  and I think the biggest difference in me Erica saw is the fact thst I think I am starting to act like myself again, I not lost in the haze of the stroke anymore. It's strange to think that all of these people who have played such an important role in my life barely know who I am outside of strok-ey me. bu I think the light is starting to come back along with the spink and dorkiness!

Perspective

The thing I've learned the most through this experience is that how you deal with a life-altering event is really all a matter of persective; A few months agothe most common phrase that came out of my mouth was"Everything is a pain in the ass now." Not the best perspective on my situation, then one night a friend said something that altered how I view my new world. I was going out to a restaraunt with a couple of friends and after a slew of apologies for my slow pace, these aopologies are always greeted with a sifnificant eye roll from whatever friend it's directed at, because no one cares, except me, we got into the restaraunt and I began to maneuver around the chairs and cramped space and as she was moving a chair out of my way, my new friend said, "The world is just one big obstacle course for you now. And in that moment a light shone down on me from above and a choir of angels sang, eureka! now THAT'S the kind of attitude I want to have, yes! the world is one big obstacle course, kind of likrethose giant play sets on schoolyard playgrounds, as a result I've been looking at any particular challenge I face while moving around in my environment as a fun little game, a tire bridge to climb up and now the thing that seemed like pains are not as painful!

Back to the scene of the crime

I just got back from visiting Borgess Hospital, 3 West,  the rehab I was in directly after my stroke an d I feel elated. It was so wonderful too see the people who made  huge impact on my recovery and to see their faces when they saw me walking around, it'ss good to know, even in my post-stroke fog, I was able to make such an impression on these people. I also met a couple of patients  that are experiencing rehab now, onr patient was a young man, probably about my age, who was directed to this blog by my former R(Recreational therapist), Marsha. He was happy to meet me and seemed to have been helped by my writing. when I started this blog my intent was to find a way to process the myriad of emotions, and as I kept going and getting feedback, I realized that I could possibly help people by taslking about my experiences, but now I've seen face to face that I have helped someone and it feels great! so my message is the same as Jack Dawson's: never give up, Richard! Can't is a four letter word. At the end of our visit we went into my old room, now, I am a firm believer that we leave our energy behind us, and the crushing weight of the negative energy I left in that roomcame tumbling down on top of me as I entered. I felt the misery and hopelessness that I felt while I was there, but feeling those old feelings helped me to dsee how far I've come mentally. I no longer feel hopeless, I'm not pissed off at the universe anymore, it just has a tound about way of getting to the point and the trip reminded me of all of the important lessions I've learned as a result of this event. A blessin in disguise, truly.

And Another thing!

So, noe that I've had some sleep and some time to mull over my day at work yesterday, I am now ready ro process the events of the day. When I got there, I ws a littke teary-eyed, it was quite a momentus occasion. I was greeted by my boss with a big hug and happy faces from my other co-workers. The first phonr call I took, I was nervous that I sounded a littlt mentally slow, bu the person on the other end didn' seem to notice. I did, however, forget how to operate the phones and lost the call, bu remembered the caller's name so I could pass on the message that he had called. That is something I could not have done two months ago! I answered a fe moree phone questions, succesfully, that felt good, and my biggest succes of the day:  I kept two customer questions in my brain whilr looking into the answerf for them, that takes a high level of cognition, ladies and gents, I am now capable of multi-tasking again!And I stood for about 40 minutes straight! a physical accomplishment that doesn't sound like that big of a deal but when you consider the fact that six months ago I couldn't even stand for a minute without getting dizzy and naudeous, it's a pretty biug deal1 And, of course I was hard on myself becsause I can't move as fast as I used to asnf I'm not as proficient as I used to be, but I firmly believe that walking around the co-op, answering questions will only increase my cognitive ability and physical endyrabce further, plus working mskes me feel usefull, which is good for my mental state which I've discovered when my mental stateis good, I improve faster, the pwer of positive thinking works, people, I'm telling you! So I can't wait till next Wednesday to do it again!

;;sigh;;

So, apparently my attention to detail has not improved too much since I've managed to completely mess this blog up so people can't find it without realizing it. Needless to say, I'm a little frustrated by this turn of events since I've been feeling so great lately and this makes it apparent that I'm still just blindly doing thing without thinking about it or paying attention, but from here on out I Will be very attentive when ckiking around my blog site!

Day By Day

I've been working on reading one of Christopher Reeve's books, "Nothing is Impossible". I am now to the part of the book wher ehe talks about his recovery process, reading this book has been very inspirational for me, it reminds me that things could be worse, and the tone of the book is hopeful, reading about his recovery is opening my eyes to a truth that I've been forgetting, every small success is a step in the right direction, every time I get o the top of The Stairs is a victory, even something as small as moving my big toe on myleft side, which I did the other night,is some thing to be celebrated, my constant impatience has had me feeling that  Iam making no progress, because I am not better NOW and reading his book has made me see that with soem patience and determination there is n reason why I can't recover!I just have to take iot dtep by step and one day at  a time

Bored

 When Iwas a kid and  had to stay home from school my mom used to say that Iwould bore myself weel, you ssee, I',m not nor nor have I ever been a person who likes to stay at home doing nothing day after day after day, but that is pretty much what my days consist of right now, Atypical day for me right now is sitting on my couch, ewatchingThe West Wing and, of course, waging my war against my arch nemisis, The Stairs  Ikno, itsounds awful, but normally when I am participating in TV binge as epic as this, Iamcrochetingg my head off, but I'm a lefty and that's the side that doesn't work anymore.. At least if Could crochet I wouldn't feel so unproductive and useless and isolated. I feel very cut off from society rtightnow, but  Ithink that I am now bored enough to be cured, The thing that keeps me going s this blog, it helps me feel like I  Accomplished something for the day  And Iytuly believe it helps my recovery, so thsnks for reading, yall!

Fear

Inthe last week I have developed completely irrational and ridiculous fear of the stairs in my house, this is incredibly frustrating and discouraging because for weeks now I've been climbing and walking past the top of the stairs with no problem I live in a tri-level home so in order to get up to my room I have to climb three small sets of stairs, about 14 steps in all, I haven't had an issue with doing this up til now, in fact, it's been going really we,  the problem is this:there are only rails on the left side of the stairs, obviously that is not the best set up for me, so
Ih ave to go up the stairs sideways, I hold onto the Bannister with my right hand,use my strong right leg to lift myself and my left leg onto the next stair up, oh and I have to make sure my cane gets up the stairs with me whever I encounter the stairs Iget nauseous, dizzy and lightheaded, this fear is quickly becoming almost crippling, I spent all day yesterday, being anxious about having to deal with the stairs, and let me tell that is exhausting, so today I've decided to enjoy my day and to not worry about the stairs and to conquer them today, so I don't have to deal with this fear anymore!

Progress

y marks my three month strokiversary, so Ithought I'd give myself a little progress report to help myself see howfar I've come in three months. While I know that I've made great leaps and strides over the last few months, the progress is slow and hard to see when you are living it
-When I first started inpatient rehab about two and a half months ago Couldn't sit up straight or look anyone directly in the eyes, now i' going up and down the stairs multiple times a day
-when Istarted rehab Icould barely move myleft leg, in order yo get it to move Ihad to exhale like I was lifting a heavy weight just to get it to move, now it listens to me and moves easily, most of the time, three months ago I could barely do simple math, now I am able to do it relatively easily when my speech therapist asks me toWhen I started this blog I had very hard time typing, let alone remembering to hit the space bar, now, Ia a now ablem male to stay foused on the task at hand and check my spelling before posting, so Imust say, I think things are going pretty well, even though I may have bad day once in awhile

About me!

As I was lying in bed last night, it occurred to me that there are many people who read this blog who don't know much about me, while I enjoy sharing my journey, with all of you,  I thought I'd give you a littl peak at me!Iam 33 years old, born and raised in Michiga, although Ispen most of my 20s moving around from NewHaven, CT to Manhattan, to Minneapolis, MN And back here, to Kalamazoo, MI, yes there really is a Kalamazoo, Itend to be boistrous and outspoken, I love to be the center of attention, which is why Imajored in theatre performance in college.Myfavorite things include: old movie musicals especiall if they faeture Gene kelly or Judy Garland, I am a Revolutionary War buff, an think John Adams was probablt the coolest person to ever have livedMy favorite musician isErinMKeown and, let me tellyou, if you like quirky, brilliant and super cool femalr singer/songwriters, check her out!Any questions?

Chch-changes

Today I thought I'd write about how different things are for me as a result of the stroke Now, I know some of my therapistsread this, so please feel free to correct any misinformation I put out there, iIt think the biggest difference I notice the most everyday is my focus and attention. I essentially now have the attention span of a sugared up  five year old boy, the tiniest little thing can distract me from whatever
I am doing That is why this blog is such a good  exeexercise for me, It takes a lot of focus for me to type one of these bad boys up and to re check for spelling an punctuation errors, I can only hope keeping this blog up is improving my cognition, I am usually exhausted by the time I am done writing and rechecking, but I feel like I've accomplished something great when I am done

Decisions, Decisions

this morning, as I tried to convince myself to get out of bed, something that is becoming increasingly difficut these days.I realized I had a decision to make, I can either face this challenge for what it is, a challenge, or I can sit around feeling sorry for myself, picturing myself as a victim, making myself and everyone around me miserable.  I think my choicee boiled down to the choice given in The Shawshank Rdemption, get busy livin' or get busy dyin'. Guess which one I choose? Igot my butt up, held Charlotte and did my exercises for the day

Surprise me!

Ihave a monthly subscription to Fitness magazine, I know, i know, it's silly and every time it comes, Irealize how ridiculous these types of magazines are, but I flip through regardless, this time I flipped straight to the"I Did It!" section, the part of the magazine where readers talk about how they lost weight on their own,  I like this part because from time to time it can be inspiring, this time a woman was talking about how she got through tough workouts she said she was always trying to surprise herself, so whenever she got to something she thought she couldnt' do she would try to surprise herself by accomplishing it, this my new motto now, just recently I started working on doing the stairs in my house by utilizing my weak left leg, just to get it going, this is a daunting task as I do not trust that leg to carry my weight at allSo as Istand at the top of the stairs I dare myself to surprise me, and once I'm down safely, Iam always pleasantly surprised.

Acceptance

 aAs my husband drove me home from an esspecially productive session onf therapies, speech, occupational and physical, a.peaceful feeling washed over me as Istared out of the car window at the peaceful winter sceneryIthought to myself, "Thi isn't so bad, my life, the way it is. Istill get to see the sun and crunch through the snow and hold my daughter",IfeelikeI'm on the verge of a breakthroughin my recovery proces, Ithought to myself that Ican eventuall regain al of my independence if Ikeep going down the road I'm onWhen we got homere got home Iread my batch of cards from TheFeministBreeder readers for the day, something that has ilifted my spirits immesely. One letter, touched me deeply, the woman who wrote it wrote about acceptance, and using the energy I've een pouring intobeing upset to work on getting better I now feel at peace with what is happening,Iaccept it as what the universe wants for me and maybe I'll learn a valuable lesson when it's over, Ifeel relief for the first time today, thankyou, Rosa, for the kind words, you can't know ho w much they have helped me today!

Success!

After about an hour of crying my husband laid Charlotte on the bed, next to me I let her take my finger inher firm grip, this seems to calm her down, and began snging A very off key version of "Candle On the water" from Pete's Dragon : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQmBfI2uXJo, A song my mom used to sing to me And she fell asleep!Ifeltlike Ihad won some kind of award!Myfirst official MommyAct.When nshe woke up she stared staight into my eyes,it almost seemed like she was staring straight into me, seeing every fiber of my being, every weakness,ever yfear and knowing meIt mgical, moments like these make it all worth it!