Finding My People

The thing I like the most about the new cOT clinic I'm going to through the university is the fact that every patient is a stroke survivor, so it's a very comfortable environment. It's so wonderful to be around people who know what I'm goin through and who don't stare at me and wonder. As a stroke survivor who has been open about my experiences I feel a great responsibility to other stroke survivors to give my support or a friendly smile or some words of wisdom, I feel the responsibility to lend my support to any and all stroke survivors and to raise awareness about stroke, because I really had no idea what damage stroke could cause.

Clues

Today at work my bossandI started working on a project I began months before my stroke, I was working on building a training passport for the store, The interesting about doing this I was looking at things I wrote down and worked on months ago, when my state of mind was much different, at time s it seems like I was leaving clues for myself littered across the store, which is surreal,sometimes it seems like a different person was doing all of that stuff, I feel so removed from who I was. It felt good to get back to this project becuse it requires that I use a part of my brain that I havent in awhile, the analytical, manager-y part, the part I like to use, it's so wonderful to pick up where I left off and to work on this with my boss like there's ni difference, it makes me feel that I'm not so dofferent from who I was after all. Also, I had lunch with some amazing women, my co-worker, a cancer survivor, who is probably the nicest person I've met in a long time, we understand each other, so it is nice to be with somone who has had an equally trandformative life experience and my frind, Sara and her daughters, I look up to Sara so much her kindness and easy going ness is a breath of fresh air and her daughters are freaking awesome, so smart and kind and open at this poit I've been working on piecing together my time in the ICU so I grill everyone for any information they can give me, because quite often it doesjog my memory. Also, my OT from my time in rehab, Erica, stopped by to see me, I missed her when I went back to visit, it was wonder ful to see her, she was the therapist I worked with the most and it was wonderful to see how happy shewas to see how well I am doing, it was quite reassuring to know my progress can make someone that ecstatic  and I think the biggest difference in me Erica saw is the fact thst I think I am starting to act like myself again, I not lost in the haze of the stroke anymore. It's strange to think that all of these people who have played such an important role in my life barely know who I am outside of strok-ey me. bu I think the light is starting to come back along with the spink and dorkiness!

Perspective

The thing I've learned the most through this experience is that how you deal with a life-altering event is really all a matter of persective; A few months agothe most common phrase that came out of my mouth was"Everything is a pain in the ass now." Not the best perspective on my situation, then one night a friend said something that altered how I view my new world. I was going out to a restaraunt with a couple of friends and after a slew of apologies for my slow pace, these aopologies are always greeted with a sifnificant eye roll from whatever friend it's directed at, because no one cares, except me, we got into the restaraunt and I began to maneuver around the chairs and cramped space and as she was moving a chair out of my way, my new friend said, "The world is just one big obstacle course for you now. And in that moment a light shone down on me from above and a choir of angels sang, eureka! now THAT'S the kind of attitude I want to have, yes! the world is one big obstacle course, kind of likrethose giant play sets on schoolyard playgrounds, as a result I've been looking at any particular challenge I face while moving around in my environment as a fun little game, a tire bridge to climb up and now the thing that seemed like pains are not as painful!

Back to the scene of the crime

I just got back from visiting Borgess Hospital, 3 West,  the rehab I was in directly after my stroke an d I feel elated. It was so wonderful too see the people who made  huge impact on my recovery and to see their faces when they saw me walking around, it'ss good to know, even in my post-stroke fog, I was able to make such an impression on these people. I also met a couple of patients  that are experiencing rehab now, onr patient was a young man, probably about my age, who was directed to this blog by my former R(Recreational therapist), Marsha. He was happy to meet me and seemed to have been helped by my writing. when I started this blog my intent was to find a way to process the myriad of emotions, and as I kept going and getting feedback, I realized that I could possibly help people by taslking about my experiences, but now I've seen face to face that I have helped someone and it feels great! so my message is the same as Jack Dawson's: never give up, Richard! Can't is a four letter word. At the end of our visit we went into my old room, now, I am a firm believer that we leave our energy behind us, and the crushing weight of the negative energy I left in that roomcame tumbling down on top of me as I entered. I felt the misery and hopelessness that I felt while I was there, but feeling those old feelings helped me to dsee how far I've come mentally. I no longer feel hopeless, I'm not pissed off at the universe anymore, it just has a tound about way of getting to the point and the trip reminded me of all of the important lessions I've learned as a result of this event. A blessin in disguise, truly.

And Another thing!

So, noe that I've had some sleep and some time to mull over my day at work yesterday, I am now ready ro process the events of the day. When I got there, I ws a littke teary-eyed, it was quite a momentus occasion. I was greeted by my boss with a big hug and happy faces from my other co-workers. The first phonr call I took, I was nervous that I sounded a littlt mentally slow, bu the person on the other end didn' seem to notice. I did, however, forget how to operate the phones and lost the call, bu remembered the caller's name so I could pass on the message that he had called. That is something I could not have done two months ago! I answered a fe moree phone questions, succesfully, that felt good, and my biggest succes of the day:  I kept two customer questions in my brain whilr looking into the answerf for them, that takes a high level of cognition, ladies and gents, I am now capable of multi-tasking again!And I stood for about 40 minutes straight! a physical accomplishment that doesn't sound like that big of a deal but when you consider the fact that six months ago I couldn't even stand for a minute without getting dizzy and naudeous, it's a pretty biug deal1 And, of course I was hard on myself becsause I can't move as fast as I used to asnf I'm not as proficient as I used to be, but I firmly believe that walking around the co-op, answering questions will only increase my cognitive ability and physical endyrabce further, plus working mskes me feel usefull, which is good for my mental state which I've discovered when my mental stateis good, I improve faster, the pwer of positive thinking works, people, I'm telling you! So I can't wait till next Wednesday to do it again!