Liz Vs. Liz

I've been pretty introspective lately, this is my post about that:

Over the course of this journey I'm on,two people have emerged, both have wildly different personalities, their own set of quirks, flaws and beautiful imperfections. I have been forced to look deep into the eyes of each of these women and try to get to the bottom of them, to learn who they are, to love them for all of their imperfections, flaws,and quirks.

At the begining of all of this "Old Liz" was a constant presence

a ghost that haunted me, a standard I could no longer meet, for a long time, I glorified her, this wildly intelligent, fast-talker and walker, that person I couldn't remember how to be. Remembering how to be Old Liz is like trying to remember what it was like to be 13, yeah...impossible.

Now that I've been so far removed from Old Liz for so long, twenty months, to be exact,I've had some time to think over her actions, incredibly bad decisions and hurtful actions in the past, so she's taken on a slightly different hue to me now; Instead of glorifying her, I find myself demonizing her..

Honestly.

Iwas an incredibly selfish, self-serving person, I really only cared about what I wanted to do right at that moment and not about who it would hurt or how it would affect me in the future, trust me, I'm not saying the stroke was some kind of karmic retribution for bad behavior, I'm waaaay past that, I was the most important person . Always.

Then, suddenly this other person showed up, Liz 2.0, now. it took me awhile to get used to this slower, more mellow version of myself, but we've been spending more time together lately and, I gotta say, she's really starting to grow on me!The stroke certainly took a lot from me, but it's given me a whole hell of a lot, it's turned me into this better, gentler version of myself. I am a better mother as Liz 2.0 than Old Liz would have been, more present, more patient, more willing to spend time with Charlotte doing what she needs to do. So, I am happy to say after months and months of chasing a ghost, trying to regain my old self, what I'm trying to say is that....well...I'm kinda glad I didn't. I like me the way I am now. And that's all I have to say about that.

couting your blssings

Avery wise woman said this to me:"You can ask the Universe for what you want, you just don't get to decide how you get it." Ain't that the God's honest truth, when all of this began I just wanted a baby, that clock everyone kept talking about was ticking very loudly and insistently, so I asked Matt how he felt sabout me gong off my pills, he shrugged and said it was up to me, so I did. Well, I got what I wanted, just not in the way I thought. At the beginning of my recovery I was pissed, more pissed than I've ever been in my life, I had this beautiful new baby that I couldn' take care of, I didn't get to have that picture of me, happy with my new baby on my chest, I dudn't get to breastfeed the way I wanted to.

In fact, the early part of my recovery was more about what was taken from me than getting better so I could reclaim what I felt like I was missing, but lately I'm realizing that I have a whole hell of a lot. I can now take care of that baby, at the beginning of my recovery I never would have thought that I'd be as involved as I am now and every time she slams her slobbery lips onto mine for a kiss, I remember that there was a chance that I could have missed that and I'm not so angry.

And there are pictures of her on my chest, I found a treasre trove of photos taken of her burth on my laptop one day, si I get to see her putple little brand new body and Matt as he propped her up onto my bre chest after I got out of brain surgery, they aren't the eautiful, hasppy pictures that they usually are, but I am comforted that we had that bonding moment, even though I wasn't aware of it at the time, but I am now.

What's the point, Liz? You may ask.

Well, thinga aren't always as bad as they seem and even if it seems like you don't have muvh, you may have more than you think.

Takin' a Chance

Many many years ago, in what now seems like a different life, when I was living in New Haven, CT I  coiuld be found in one of the many dance clubs that litter downtown New Haven on any night of the week. You see, I was obsessed with (had a giant crush on) a local breakdancer that would dance in the clubs on occasion, so I'd go out every night of the week, hoping to catch a glimpse of him.

As a result of this stalker-ish behavior I became quite adept at dancing to all of this club music I hadn't been exposed to up til then, House, Drum & Bass and , of course, hip-Hop. I fell in love with dancing right next to the giant speakers, letting the deep bass beats sink into my soul and allowing my body to do what it would.

Eventually I met the break dancing boy, we hit it off and dated for three years, in those three years we went out dancing at least twice a week and I spent most of my time watching, thinking or talking about dancing. I fell in love with dance in those three years, the artistry of it, the physical act of it, the training and technique it takes to be a good dancer, no matter your form. When my relationship with break dancing boy came crashing down around me, so did my time on the dance floor, the last time I spent anytime seriously dancing was at my wedding, four years ago. Obviously the stroke has made dancing a bit more complicated, so I haven't even attemped it, just talked about taking ballet classes once my ankle and toes wake up again.

So, when one ofmy friends started teaching an afro dance class, Itold myself that I would go once I was better. Well, something snapped inside me last week and I said to myself, "You are better and fully capable tof giving it a shot, so do it!"

And so it was that I nervously walked into clas tonight. I was afraid, afraid that my body wouldn't respond, that I would be awkward and terrible to watch, afraid that I would embarrass myself, or, worse, hurt myself. But my friend greeted me with open arms and spirit, happy that I was there, and so I stood next to her in front of the class, bare and exposed with my uncoordinated and unweildy left leg and unresponsive Larry. I listened to the music, wtched myself in the mirror as I tried like hell to keep up, it felt so good to move my body around in a different way than I sm accustomed to, to challenge my body. When we got to a more complex set of steps, I really started to struggle, it takes so long for messages to get down to my leg that switching up instructions, just confused all of my body parts, but I pushed through, convinced that I would get it at some point and believing that wotking my brain out in such a different way, could only do good things for me.

At one point something magical happened, I looked deep into my eyes in the mirror and for the first time since the stroke, I saw someone beautiful staring back at me, was it the light flush that was in my cheeks? Was it the challenge and the fact that I was doing it? Or was it the fact that I was facing my fear and uncertainty. Maybe it was because I wasreclaiming a favorite pasttime, or maybe I am still beautiful, I haven't allowed myself to see it.

Moral of the story: I'm totally going back and I'm gonna get all of those hard steps!

ABCs

Beware! I'm gonna hittin' ya'll with some technical stuff I've learned over the last year! So, this may get dry in some places..

As we all know I am in a bitter battle with my left arm& hand, Larry. I've just recently decided that if I can get the damn hand to open, just once that I will make tons of progress from there, because, it seems that once I master one physical feat, I can continue to improve on it. So, when the new semester started at the university's clinic, I told my new OT student, Molly that one of my goals was to open my hand..a VERY tall order! Let me tell you why, this what I've learned ao far; Function returns from the head down, big muscles first, small ones last, which is why my leg, who I have dubbed Lucinda, or lucy for short, came back relatively quickly and why my toes and fingers will take longer. many stroke survivors experience intense muscle tone in their affected limbs, this means in my asrm, the muscles pull in, bending my elbow into my body and closing my hand, the tone is so intense it is very difficult to fight against, to get the arm to straighten and fingers to open, because the muscles are so weak, they can't fight against the tone, this is why a lot of survivors get botox injections into the areas where they have the most tone and why I'm on muscle relaxors, the botox paralyzes the muscles that are pulling in, it only lasts for a few months, but that's long enough to try and communicate with the limb, I have tried to get botox and failed, funny, my insurance didn't approve it! I never in my life thought I'd be so desperste to get botox injections! So the trick is finding ways to decrease the tone so we can work with the hand. Because function comes from the head down we are currently working from the shoulder down, Molly'mantra is, "it all comes from the shoulder." Lately we've been working onstraightening my arm, something that is getting easier with each session, in order to do it, I have to take a depp exhale, as if I were in th gym, lifting a heavy weight. I feel very reassured by this progress because when I started walking in rehab I had to a similar exhale to get my leg to move forward, and now I don't have to work as hard.

Today's session with Molly was incredble! She is quite innovative and motivated to help me, I worked with her last sesmester when my student OT was unavaliable, at the time she was persuing s pediatric OT degree, she told mr recently that meeting me last semester changed her mind, thst she decided she wanted to work with adults because of me! What a compliment! Molly showed up at today's session with an aaptive device sh created that we can attach to Charlotte's stroller, making it easier for me to use it and it's an exercise for me to straighten my arm, Charlotte and I did a lap around the therapy room, it takes a large amount of concentration to get my arm to stay straight, so I felt great after completing my lap, keeping my arm straight the whole time, mostly.

Then Molly walked me up to a black board with the capital letters ABC and D written on it, she put a rag in my left hand and held it there, my task was to erase the letters, a scary idea and seemingly impossible, so Molly stood with me and held the rsg in my hand and guided my srms through the motions as I tried to move my arm myself. Now, my disconnect with my arm is so severe that when some one is guding my arm, as Molly was, and I'm trying to do it as well, I can't tell if I'm actually doing it or not, but I felt like I wad and Molly assured me I was, infact doing it myself!

Since working with Molly, I've gained so much control over my arm, I feel like I'm in the home strech! Jazz hands, here I come!

Better Woman

Yes, if you got Pearl Jam's Better Man in your head as a result of my title, that was my intent.

Over the course of this ordeal, I have come to discover that not only have I learned an incredible amount about myself I have also become a better person.
As I become more comfortable in my own skin, I'm finding I'm liking what I'm discovering about Liz 2.0 From the accounts of my family I am warmer and more open. I find I worry less and get upset about dumb stuff less frequently,  I am also mre forgivng and less jusgemental than I used to be which makes me calmer. I have always been incredibly inpatient, desiring instant gratification at all times, but having to wait for my body to come back online and finding that it's worth the wait has made me a more patient person

And as I navigate the world that is 1.5 year old temper tantrums. I'm finding my newfound patience comes in quite handy.

So the stroke granted Charlotte a more patient mother than she would have had.

You know , the best we can do with any crappy situation is allow it to turn us into better people, right?

Gone Fishin'

Ever year the Downtown Kalamazoo Retail and Restaurant Association hosts a Connecting with Customers conference, the businesses in the area are invited to have their staff attend the conference, to learn, expand and challenge their thinking on customer service and every year, the food co-op, where I am lucky enough to work, sends it's staff members, I jumped at the chance

This year they hosted an extraordinary conference about the Fish Philosophy of customer service.
Today's conference resonated with me for many reasons, and I'm going tell you about it!

I got up earlier than normal this morning, to ensure I had enough time to get ready( I was still late- which I hate!) I managed to frag myself out of bed without too much coaxing from the alarm clock, always an accomplishment, got dressed, then proceeded to wake my dead asleep toddler from her adorable slumber, administered some food, got her dressed and once I was done with all of that, it was time to leave, actually we should have left about three minutes earlier, Dressing Charlotte speedily is not my forte just yet, but all Matt had to do is slap some shoes on her and let the dog out, which is minimal for him, and I got him an extra five or ten minutes of sleep, so I felt very accomplished as we set out into the early morning.

As we drive towards my work, I am always excited, barely able to contain myself, this morning, I was bursting at the seams, geeked to be doing something different outside of my norm, I also have a passion for teaching excellent customer service, so I enjoy any new thoughts on the subject.

I got to work a few minutes late, grabbed a cup of coffee, to chase away my grogginess that was a result of getting up so early.

One of my co-workers gave me a ride to the event and as we drove over I sat in the back of her car, happy to be in the company of friends, excited to see even more buddies.

As my co-worker weaved her way through the labyrinth of the parking garage, I thought, " I miss doing stuff like this myself, I never thought this was something I would never do again( get a parking ticket, struggle to find a space, level after level)how much we take for granted!"
Ten, I caught myself,
"Dude, this is not something to be upset about, you are sitting in a car, with friends, not in a hospital with doctors, you are sitting here on a nice day, dipping a delicious, creamy, hot cup of coffee, you are alive, and you're about to do something new and exciting aaand some of your good friends are gnna be there!" i told myself

"Yeah! you know, you're right! I'm alive, it's all good." I responded.

So I walked into the conference with my head held high having successfully talked myself down off of a self-pity ledge

I immediately liked the presenter, she had a perky sense of humor and loves our town, which pretty much everyone does, seriously come and visit, it's awesome!

Now, the Fish! philosophy of customer service is based on the customer service practices of the fishmongers at the Pike Place Fish Market in Seattle, there are four basic philosophies, these are what caught my attention because all of these ideas are things I've had to purposefully incorporate into my life to get through this seemingly insurmountable challenge:

##1: Play: Have fun! bring a spirit of joy and innovation to what you do and the people you interact with.

When I was first released from the hospital it was very easy for me to sit on the couch and wallow in my misery, now that Charlotte is mobile and I am a tad more agile, fun has been creeping it's way back into my life and, guess what? I enjoy every day more! And I'm more enjoyable to be around.

#2Make Their Day: Find a way to make a positive impact on the people around you.

Well, I'm constantly trying to find ways to do this for Charlotte and Matt, because if they're happy, so am I! Everything works just a little better if both of them are happy.

Bet#3: Be There: I've blogged about this one before, really, it's about being present with what you're doing.

Since I've intentionally started being present in my life, I have found I get more enjoyment out of everything, Matt and I get along better, and my attention and cognition is better.

#4: (this is the big one)Choose your attitude: When this one popped up on the screen I screamed "YES!!" In my head. Everyday we have a choice, we can either be happy, pissed off, sad, or any other thing we decide, it's up to you.

I spent years walking into jobs with a shitty attitude, because I was young, didn't like one of my co-workers or the customers and on those days, my attitude just got worse, why? because I decided I was going to be annoyed by everything that day, so I was, no one could make me happy or convince me to behave otherwise. But since I made the decision to be happy everyday I am above ground, I don't have days like that anymore.

The basic wisdom I can impart from this is that any of these philosophies can help in your everyday life, and I can only hope that this blog helps people who may be going through something tough in their life, so here's my message on how to get through it: play, make their day, be there and choose your attitude.

At the end of it all, I felt ready to go, energized, happy to be alive and ecstatic to live in such a super community!



#3

Eureka!

Last night I had an epiphany, it came out of nowhere without anything triggering it, it just came to me pop! Into my head!

I've been spending soooo much time focusing on how different I am and how different things are now that it would just cause me to look at myself as abnormal, because I feel  abnormal, but last night, I realized THIS is, in fact, normal!And as soon as I start acting like it's normal, the sooner it will feel normal.

I've been so worried about what other people  think of me, obviously something is wrong with me, so they're going to stare and ask inappropriate questions, well, if I think that there's something wrong,then I will act like some thing is wrong, if I behave like everything is as it should be, then no one will question it.

Finally! Some clarity! Here's to my new normal, and I'm totally fine with it!